My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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