yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
