I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My liver just had a heart attack.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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