i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
