Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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