Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
