apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize