I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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