I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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