I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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