So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
