Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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