my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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