Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
too bad you live with your parents still
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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