DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
