Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
