while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
