Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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