Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
