I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
