it hurts more in the daytime
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i came on her dog
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
