I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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