So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
