she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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