What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize