I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
