Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
