Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
