my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
