when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
