I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
