Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
