I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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