i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
