You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we're so committed to being not committed
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
