you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
