Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
