Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
