hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
