Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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