A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
