Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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