Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
