4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
