well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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