Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Dicks are not precious.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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