she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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