If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
then he tried to convert me to islam
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
