explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
