hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am midnight drunk by noon
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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