who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
