so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
