And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
