Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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