I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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