but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
