i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
