I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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